This Time “G” is For Grief

A few days before Christmas 2023, while in the grocery store, I called my cousin Gail to ask her which restaurants she liked, so that I could buy her a gift card for Christmas. Before we hung up, I let her know that I was getting ready to buy the ingredients for the Macaroni-N-Cheese. She told me that I didn’t have to make it because she wanted her brother to make it and that I could still bring mine if I wanted to….. Now mind you, I had been making the Macaroni-N-Cheese for like the past 7 years– the Superbowl, GHOE (NC A&T’s Homecoming), Thanksgiving, Christmas and any other family gathering; so I silently clutched my pearls like “what you mean, you don’t want my Mac-N-Cheese”. I felt just a tad bit slighted, but not enough to get over into being offended or carrying a grudge. I was ok after a few hours.  

My cousin Gail is in LOVE with the letter “G” being the fact that her first name and her middle name both start with “G”. She is known for making many monikers out of the letter including “Celebrity G, Without The Celebrity” and “Juicy G”. Gail’s personality is full of oxymorons: Spoiled, but a giver. No patience, but you would never know that by the way she treats the elderly, the sick, and little kids. There are times when Gail doesn’t want to be bothered, but she is also a people’s person. Gail is a natural comedian, always has a funny story to tell (I’m thinking “Gail, I don’t know these folks”, but I would still listen), but will also speak her mind about EVERYTHING. Overall, you either understand her or you don’t, and even if you do understand her, there are still times that you don’t. LOL!

Gail is also known as “the life of the party”, so for me to tell you that Gail passed away on us unexpectedly in May 2024, is the ultimate oxymoron.

Gail was 14 when I was born. As a matter of fact, the house that I was brought home from the hospital to as a baby (and lived in to my early 30s) was also the same house that Gail was brought home to and lived in as a baby as well. Gail and her mom were already moved out by the time I was born, but one of my memories was when Gail would come over to the house sometimes in the winter and spend the night, intentionally sleep on the living room floor, as she LOVED feeling the heat from the vent on the bottom part of the wall. I can relate as I used to sit sometimes on the floor in the vent that was in my room. Gail was not only my cousin (her grandfather was my mom’s older brother), but she was my babysitter and my first beautician. Throughout my life the family would go on trips to the beach together, spend Christmas together, and gather for different celebrations.

When I was about 6, Gail used to take me to a spot called Monroe’s. It was a drive-in restaurant. I didn’t know why at the time, but she would have me duck down in the back seat. I’m not sure why, but she probably hid me because she didn’t want me “in her business”. When I was 7, Gail took me to go see Home Alone. I asked her a few years ago did she remember, but she didn’t. However, her taking me to see it is one of a few reasons that Home Alone is my favorite Christmas movie. On my 16^th birthday, Gail surprised me at school and brought me this ginormous balloon and a bouquet of red roses. 25 years later I still have the balloon in a keepsake box. A week after my high school graduation, we drove up to DC in my new car that my family bought me as a graduation gift. My car didn’t have air, Gail knew that it didn’t have air, but she thought that I had got it fixed before we left to go to DC. I didn’t think not having air was a big deal, but she did. So when we got into it, I made sure that I took up for myself–that was the first and ONLY time that Gail and I got into it.

In more recent years when I would walk in their house, I would yell out “HEY Y’ALL” and she would yell out “HEY (insert my nickname)! If she didn’t hear me, when I walked up the steps I would yell “HEY GAIL” and she would say “HEY (insert my nickname)”. When I came over to the house, Gail made sure to tell me what was on the stove and would sometimes put a Ginger Ale up for me. A few months before she passed, she made some tomato rice, as that was one of my favorite meals that my mom used to make. Gail was also one of my music buddies. She loved what I consider old school music, especially from the 80s and 90s, but when I think about it, it was music that was new when Gail was a pre-teen, teen, and adult. Gail would often burst out into a song, if I knew it, I would either come behind her and sing it or if I was at their house on my laptop, I would simply play it. For Christmas, I could tell that Gail ensured that I received something to open on Christmas with the rest of the family. Every year (for my birthday too) she would have a Christmas card with the year she wrote inside and knick-knacks as gifts that came in handy. It didn’t matter what the gifts were because they came from the heart. We had this thing that we started in 2015, that every time I took a trip somewhere I would bring her back a souvenir that had the state on it. Her first souvenir was from Dallas. I ended up giving her two souvenirs in 2024, one from Virginia in January and the other from South Carolina, shortly before she passed away.

Gail was a very important piece to our family puzzle (all of my family members are), that we miss immensely for who she was and what she contributed to the family. Below are some things that I want to share as I am navigating through grief:

Grieve: When we lost Gail in May, it was very unexpected, and it felt and still feels unreal. Losing a cousin that I had grown up with hit a different part of my heart. I cry when I look through pictures of us. I cry when I visit her gravesite and let her know that I feel some type of way about her leaving us. I cry when I hear the song “Walk Home” from the Home Alone soundtrack, as it reminds me that she took me to see Home Alone (but also the 2^nd verse of the song is sad). And yes, I have been crying as I have been typing this. I learned the hard way to not suppress grief when it comes up. In 2015, my dad passed and I made up my mind that I was not going to grieve because I did not want to address the sadness or loneliness that I knew awaited me, especially since he was my last living parent, as my mom passed away when I was 11. I had just turned 32 when he passed away, so mainly all my memories of being parented were by him. In 2020-2021, I experienced a SERIES of losses and transitions, along with the anger, stress, and other emotions that came with these things. My mom’s last living sibling passed, I walked away from my job after being devalued (which impacted my income and not being able to see my work family), my physical health went haywire (fibroids, blot clots in my lungs acid reflux, and some other things), which caused my mental health to do so as well,  closed the door to a love interest from my late teenage years, and left my former church (after not receiving the support that I thought I needed), and not to mention that we were in the thick of Covid. Therefore, I was grieving all these things at one time, and while I was grieving these things, other griefs and traumas that I had not dealt with from my past, including my dad’s death, arose within my emotions, and I could not suppress these things any longer. From this experience I learned that it’s better to start the grieving process than to suppress it, for it is better to get something off our plate when it’s the only thing on our plate, than to allow our plate to pile up, and now we are fighting to get multiple things off of our plates.

Gredients: This is a made-up word for my “G” theme, but its short for ingredients. One of my friends told me something a few weeks ago that was simple, but very profound. She said that “Salt and Sugar look alike”. All of us have been emotionally wounded; however, if we have not allowed God to heal us, then we will filter everything that someone does and says through our emotional wounds, causing us not to be able to discern if a situation was “Salt” (the person meant harm) or if was “Sugar” (the person didn’t mean any harm). When Gail told me that she wanted her brother to make the Mac-N-Cheese, if I was easily offended then I would have taken what Gail said as “Salt” and not “Sugar”, when she really wasn’t meaning any harm. I’m not saying that we cannot be offended when it is necessary, but being EASILY offended every time someone says something is often a sign that we have not been healed from our emotional wounds in general or we may be still offended by something that the particular person may have said or done to us previously (some cases they may know that they offended you previously and some cases they may not). In hindsight, I am glad that my cousin/Gail’s brother was able to make the Mac-N-Cheese for Christmas 2023, as this was her last Christmas with us.

Grief therapy: I believe that attending therapy is important, not just for grieving but also for our emotional wounds. I have been to therapy before (but not yet for Gail’s transition) and intend on going back to therapy soon. Therapy gives us tools to get to the root of our issues, the ability to dig up our issues, and onto the road of healing. I believe that therapy is another tool that God uses to assist us in receiving revelation needed for our emotional healing.

God: Now when I feel the grief rising, I sit in it and invite God in, by simply telling Him “God, I miss Gail”. I cry, I express to Him how I am feeling, I often ask Him “Is Gail really gone?” (as I believe that it is okay to ask God questions). I let God know that I need for Him to comfort me in the moment. I do not believe that God wants grief to consume us, as the scriptures say that He is close to the brokenhearted and that He will heal our broken heart and bind up our (emotional) wounds. When something is healed, it is restored back to the place that it was before it was broken. It is not to say that we won’t ever miss the person or get emotional, but I do not believe that God wants year 40 to feel like day 1. We must allow God to walk us through our grief so that we will not be forever crushed or even crippled by it.

Gifts: Gail used her gift as a giver. I have been impacted by her willingness to give. I never told Gail this, but about two years ago when I was leaving their house, she wanted me to drop her off somewhere that was on my way to my house–so it really wasn’t an inconvenience. Before she got out of the car, Gail gave me $5 in gas that I did not ask for; however, I needed it, as I was in a season where I had to trust God daily to supply all that I needed. When we use our gifts, it will make an impact, sometimes without us even knowing. Using our gifts is a way that can meet the physical, spiritual, and emotional needs of others and bring healing to a person.

Gratitude: Simply, let a person know what you mean to them, without them having to wonder. Tell them “thank you”, “I appreciate you”, “if it wasn’t for you…..”. Gratitude is another way of making an impact, and again sometimes without us even knowing is also a way of healing a person.

Gather: As we have a daily routine of working, taking care of our immediate family, resting, and dealing with life, it is important that we take the time to make memories with our loved ones, as one day the memories will be all that we have. May I also add –that it is important too that people have more positive memories of us, than negative.

Go: I saw a quote recently that says “Grief changes us, but it should not erase us”. Even after a person has transitioned, we still of course remain on this earth until it is our time to depart. Therefore, we must find or create joy in our everyday life and live life to the fullest, so that we do not lose ourselves, our purpose, our goals, or our impact.

It’s crazy knowing that my family and I must live the rest of our lives without her. We will always miss her, but I trust God to comfort us and to heal us.

Fibroid Awareness Month

July is “Fibroid Awareness Month” and I was wanted to share my story to help bring awareness and encouragement:

Even though Homecoming (GHOE) for NC A&T was canceled in 2020 due to Covid, I still wanted to come together with a few of my family members to eat what would have been our traditional GHOE dinner. GHOE 2020 was scheduled for October 31st and two days before our GHOE dinner, I started feeling a little off. I was short winded, but it didn’t feel like an asthmatic short windedness, so I thought that it may have been some anxiety mixed in as well. The next day I was having the same symptoms on and off. I noticed that every time I climbed the top of steps, I was out of breath like I was trying to outrun Sha’Carri Richardson. So the day of GHOE dinner I went to go get a breathing treatment and be on my merry way. However, what I thought would be “my merry way” turned into an ambulance ride to the hospital.

I initially went to urgent care, and due to all of the COVID precautions that was in place, I had to speak to the doctor by FaceTime so she could assess my medical needs. When I told her my symptoms, she confirmed that it didn’t sound 100% like asthma, and due to Covid, they didn’t have breathing treatments at urgent care, so she recommended that I go to a stand-alone emergency room to hopefully avoid the crowd that would have came with a hospital emergency room. When I arrived at the stand-alone emergency room there was no wait thank God. They drew blood and when they received the results, they informed me that my hemoglobin was at a 6 and that it was supposed to be between a 12-15. Hemoglobin contains iron, is located in the red blood cells, and carries oxygen from the lungs to the rest of the body. So basically, I was out of breath because my hemoglobin was low, which meant that I had loss a significant amount blood. In retrospect, there was signs that my iron was low, but I did not know they were signs until afterwards. The palm of my hands were flaky/dry and my lips were peeling (the dry skin was hard). Besides that there were about 2 times when I was craving crushed ice, but it wasn’t frequent, so I didn’t think anything of it. Another sign of low iron is when the inside of your lips are more of a white-ish color than the pink-ish color.

They ran a few tests to see where I may have lost blood from. They then told me that I needed a blood transfusion (your hemoglobin has to be a 7 in order for you to have a blood transfusion) and that I was going to be transported to the hospital. At this time my phone was dead. I had my charger, but no wall piece to plug it in to (and supposedly none of the staff at the stand-alone emergency room did either. I’m like how none of y’all not have a wall piece?). I was trying to call my cousin, who is a second mom to me, but for some reason her cell phone wouldn’t allow the call from the room I was in to go through none of the times that I tried to get through (at least 10 times). I started to get frustrated, so I took a step back and prayed, and I tried to remember her house phone number. After a few times of trying, her house number finally came to me and I was able to get in contact with her. Her, her daughter, and grandkids were all there eating GHOE dinner (I’m like how are y’all in there eating dinner without me and I’m sitting up in my room like Brandy, but in the emergency room).

The medical staff informed me that before I could be transported that I would have to take a Covid test. This was my first Covid test and this was still the test that they had to stick the swab all the way up your nostril, so I had to brace myself! I was transported to the hospital and was taken straight to a room. When I got there, the news went from crazy to crazier. I had to take another Covid test. I was like “They gave me a Covid test before I came here, so that I COULD come here”. However, the nurse still gave me one. However, that wasn’t the “crazy to crazier part”, this is: I can’t remember what the doctor told me first, but I was told that I had a mass in my stomach area and that they also saw blood clots in both of my lungs.

I know some tears streamed down my face, but my mind quickly went to “God’s got you, God loves you”, which helped me to pull it together. Trusting God came easy for me. The catalyst that built my faith was some years back in my time of really seeking God through worshipping and reading the Word, God healed and delivered me from some painful things, some things that I had wasn’t even thinking about, and things that I never thought I would be healed from. This as well as things that He’s blessed me with throughout the years has helped to build my faith.

If I’m not mistaken, they may have ran more test. Their findings were that I had 2 uterine fibroids, one was pushing up against my right kidney causing it to be slightly enlarge, and the other was sitting on a vein in my pelvic area, which caused a blood clot that broke off and went through my body and into my lungs.

I’ve heard of women speaking about their fibroids, but I didn’t know the fullness of what they were. Plus, what I’ve heard other women describe, I didn’t have the same symptoms. I’ve heard other women say how their periods would last for close to 2 weeks, was very heavy, and very painful. My flow over the last year changed a little, but it was nothing like how other women described (I thought it changed because I was getting older) and when I did experience pain (which is rare), it was always light. All in all, my hemoglobin was low due to the amount of blood that I was losing wasn’t being restored fast enough.

I ended up staying in the hospital for 4 days, and since my hospitalization was in the midst of Covid, I could only have one visitor. I had two blood transfusions and two iron transfusions. Before I was released from the hospital the doctor that was assigned to me set up a health plan which included a pulmonologist (lung doctor), abdomen myomectomy surgery to remove the fibroids (this surgery is ranked #3 in all surgeries as the most painful surgery and I believe it), taking a monthly injection to stop my cycle, weekly iron transfusions, iron pills, and blood thinners (for the blood clots). On February 9th, I had my surgery and was released the next day. The surgery itself was successful, however, I had to go back that night to get blood transfusion and stayed for a few days (that’s another story for another day, however, this doesn’t happen to everyone, but can happen depend on your blood lost during any type of surgery).

Here are my takeaways:

-God keeps you even when you don’t know that you are being kept. Some more of my takeaways points to this as well. I had no idea that I had blood clots in both lungs. Prior to this I had been working out/walking daily. I’m not for sure if this was God’s way of protecting me from whatever could have potentially occurred, but about 2 weeks before I went to the hospital, I stepped off of a curb wrong and had really bad pain in my lower back and down my leg (this happened to be the side where the fibroid was sitting in my pelvic area on my vein). Due to the pain, I did not exercise for those two weeks leading up to me being admitted to the hospital. As odd as it may seem, pain can be used for a purpose.

-I resigned from my job in May/left in June 2020 ( a few months before I found out that I had fibroids). My health insurance no longer covered me after August, but I felt the need to go ahead and get health insurance when I started feeling a “little off”, my health insurance kicked in the day before I went to the hospital. 

–This might be a little of subject, but there is still a point: The catalyst of me resigning from my job was because I was devalued. I had been feeling that my season was up, but I probably would not have left had I not experienced the toxicity firsthand. What the devil meant to hurt me, God used to take me out of what would have been stress to my health AND catapulted me into launching The Legacy Foundation a year prior than what I originally intended. The devil plays checkers, but my God plays chess.

-Therapy is necessary. Since Spring of last year, I kept experiencing losses all across the board. I thought I was okay and some things I didn’t realized affected me, until I realized that I was NOT okay. Anytime we experience any type of an abuse, loss, or major life change, therapy helps us in processing the situation. These experiences may have more of an effect on us than we realize, and it’s easier to work through getting 1 thing off of our plate at a time, than trying to get 8 things off of our plate at one time, but no matter how many things are on our plates we still need to work through it. God has used therapy to bring clarity in certain areas and has revealed some things to me through some of my journaling exercises.

-After I followed up with my doctor the day after my surgery, I was informed that they only saw one fibroid (the one that was pressing against my kidney). I don’t know what happened to the other one but it could have dissolved. The one fibroid that they did find was benign (not cancerous).

-After having some x-rays/CT scan done in January, I was informed that I no longer have blood clots in my lungs, they dissolved. Even though I probably should have known this, I never knew how dangerous blood clots could be, therefore I wasn’t as worried as I probably would have been if I would have known. However, there really was no need to worry because they eventually went away. It’s the same way with life altogether. God tells us not to worry because whatever we go through, it’s never too big for Him to dissolve, He is capable and willing. All we need to do is take our blood thinners (trust God, speak life, speak the Word, and choose to believe when things seem hopeless, no matter how long it takes) and it will eventually go away.

-You can still have a winning season in the midst of a storm. I found out that I had fibroids in the beginning of November. I took November to the beginning of December off from The Legacy Foundation. Most of my high school seniors were accepted into college and completed their financial aid before November. After my surgery in February I took 8 weeks off. At the time, it was just me working with the girls, and I still checked in with my them when needed. After I returned from surgery, I was able to hop right back in to assist with accepting financial aid offers, housing, orientation, health insurance, and any other information that would help them to successfully enroll. We have a total of 3 Honors Program Offers, 28 College Acceptance letters, and $95,000 in scholarship offers.

-Some health tips for those that may have fibroids: Eat healthy (I need to eat better myself), take iron medicine, speak life, and as always, stay encouraged.

Singing: “HE’S A SMART GOD” (in the tune of the opening theme song from the television show “Smart Guy”)

My biggest lesson of 2017 came two days before 2017 ended. God proved Himself in a sweet way, when I met actor and singer Jason Weaver. I like to give credit where credit is due, so before I begin, here is a SMALL excerpt of Jason’s resume’. Jason Weaver starred in television shows: Thea ( Jerome Turrell), Smart Guy (Marcus Henderson); movies: Drumline (Ernest), Lottery Ticket (Ray Ray), and ATL (Teddy). However, I first learned about Jason, when he starred (acting and singing) as preteen/early teenager “Michael Jackson” in ABC’s miniseries “The Jacksons: An American Dream” movie, and as a kid, I (we) sang along with him on “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” and “Hakuna Matata” in Disney’s “The Lion King” movie, because he was the singing voice of “Young Simba”. I still have his “Love Ambition” album (cassette tape) that was released in 1995, and was excited to see him as the featured vocals on Chingy’s “One Call Away”.

Just like any other teenage girl that had a celebrity crush, I had a MAJOR celebrity crush on Jason that never left me as I got older. I was about 12 when I developed a crush on Jason, which was 24 years ago. Early 2015, I remember scrolling on social media and looking at something on his page and I remember telling God that I wanted to meet him. Late 2017, I jokingly mentioned in a group text message to my family, who lives in the Atlanta area (which is Jason’s 2nd home), that “the next time I come to Atlanta we are going to go find Jason Weaver”. However, when I visited my family a few months later, I know that the way that our day played out, leading up to Jason walking directly past me at Topgolf, was orchestrated by God, and not me. That’s not to say that God didn’t orchestrate the other celebrities that I’ve been blessed to meet, because some of them were on my list to meet too, but most of them I knew that I would meet because I was at a concert (that had a meet and greet), a public forum, or at a sporting event. This time, I didn’t play a part in it, AT ALL. I had NO clue that Jason and I would be at the same place, at the same time.

My cousins and I had originally scheduled to go to Topgolf earlier in the day (the first time I had ever even heard about Topgolf was almost a year earlier when my cousin mentioned us going when I was in town then, but we ended up not going), but we weren’t prompted or pressed to get there as early as we planned. So before we left to go, my cousins ran some errands and when they came back we put on our normal routine of a singing/dancing concert at the house, we got ready, ate, left the house, and drove a little ways to get there. However, before we left the house, I said to myself “we are going to meet someone famous at Topgolf”. A few days before I went to visit my family, I saw one of Jason’s social media post and concluded that he spent the holidays in Atlanta, but neither these things or Jason ever crossed my mind while I was visiting, or when I made the confession that we were going to meet someone famous at Topgolf…..and not even when we passed by a Waffle House on the way to the Topgolf, that one of my cousins told me was the Waffle House where “ATL” was filmed, however T.I., who was one of the main characters all of a sudden came to mind. We were also listening to my Atlanta music playlist (a music playlist that I put together of artist that are from/associates with Atlanta) on the way to Topgolf, which Jason’s song “Love Ambition” is on. His song didn’t play in the song rotation, but being the fact that I have about 50 songs on the playlist, what were the odds/probability that it would play in the rotation, in regards to amount of time it took for us to get to there?

When we arrived, it took us a few minutes to find a parking spot, we stood in line for a little while, and then we stood in the lobby area to wait for them to let us know when our bay area (a bay is basically our specific area where we would be golfing, like a bowling lane area) was ready. As we stood in the lobby area, in about a 20 minute timeframe, I went from standing beside my cousins, to a little later, standing facing them, but a few feet down. I don’t remember what I was doing specifically (I think I may have been in the middle of looking in my purse), but I just so happen to look up and Jason was in arm’s reach of me, but was already slightly passed me, which caused me to catch only a side view of him, but I KNEW it was him. Jason is a lot taller than me, and it’s crazy that I looked up at the exact right height that allowed me to catch the side of his face. Had I not looked up as high as I did or looked up a second later, I would have missed him.

I didn’t say anything when I saw him because I was too shocked!!! I don’t remember how I was able to know which bay area he went to and be able tell my cousins that he walked right passed us, but I was able to tell them, and then point him out in his bay area to my younger cousin as proof that I wasn’t tripping (Lol-That’s another story)! Excited was an UNDERSTATEMENT, I paced (really fast) back and forth, and went back and forth in my mind with the thoughts of: “Should I say something, should I not?!” I didn’t want to bother him because he was with friends/family, and I was also nervous to say something to him because I didn’t know if he was going to be rude ( rude in general and/or “rude” because I interrupted his friends/family/personal time) and I didn’t want to have a bad experience with my teenage crush. However, I also thought to myself, and told my cousins, that God didn’t allow him to walk past me, for him to just ONLY walk past me. One of my cousins told me that she whispered a prayer to God to work it out for me and another cousin took the lead to go over and say something to Jason for me. But before I tell you about our encounter, here is what this experience taught me about God:

-There is no desire of the heart that we can have that is too “big” or “silly” for God to fulfill. God is so sweet and is concerned about what concerns us, that He will move on our whispers and even thoughts. God moved on my whisper in 2015 when I told Him that I wanted to meet Jason. On our way to Topgolf, Jason never crossed my mind. Not even when we passed the Waffle House and not even listening to my Atlanta playlist (plus the fact that his song didn’t rotate in). I believe that Jason not coming on my radar was God’s way of blindsiding me, but in a positive way course, and keeping my experience meeting him a surprise.

-Sometimes God will fulfill our heart’s desire when we least expect it, in a way that we know that it had to be Him and only Him that did it. It was too much of a coincidence, for it to only be considered a coincidence that Jason and I would be at the same place, at the same time, for him to walk directly past me, as well as for me to glance up at the right height, and right time.

-Instead of us trying to chase after the desires of our heart in our own strength/make them happen in our own strength, God will orchestrate it for us and will present us with the opportunity. Sometimes an opportunity can be from an idea that God gives us, from a conservation that we have with someone where they give us wisdom, or a course/class offered that meets our need, etc. I didn’t have to “find Jason” as I told my cousins in the family group text message, God presented the opportunity when Jason literally walked past me. The only thing that I had to do when the opportunity presented itself was either decide to go for it or leave it alone.

-My cousins and I were not promoted or pressed to go to Top Golf during the earlier time that we set. Not being prompted or pressed to do something, can be God’s way of telling us not to be pressed or prompted to do it. When it’s meant for us to be pressed or prompted to do something, He’ll give us that inkling or impression to do it. If we had left to go to Topgolf earlier than we did, then I would have missed him. Not only that, when we arrived it took us a few minutes to find a parking spot, we stood in line for a little while, and then we stood in the lobby area to wait for them to let us know when our bay area was ready. When God tells us to wait (Consult with God to know when He is saying “wait” and when He is saying “no I have something better”, knowing the difference is not really as tedious as it seems), don’t grow weary in waiting, our wait is not because we’re not deserving of it, but sometimes it could be because our blessing may not be quite ready/developed, and if we don’t wait we will miss our most perfect opportunity. If it had not been for us waiting for our bay area to be ready/if we would have left the lobby area sooner, I would have missed Jason.

-God orchestrates things way before we realize that they are being orchestrated. The way I met Jason may have been orchestrated when my cousins first learned how to play golf years ago when they were little girls. If my cousins were not golf players, us going to Topgolf may not have happened. That’s not to say that if they never were involved in golf, that God would not have answered my heart’s desire, but them being involved in golf was the avenue that He used. With that being said, God will use our gifts and talents to help bring blessings to others. God was able to use my cousins’ talent and love of golf, as the road that opened up the door for me to meet Jason.

-God will bring you people that will care about your heart’s desire and support you like my cousins did me. One of my cousins originally said in that family group text message (when I said that we were going to find Jason) that she would help me find him (lol), one prayed to herself when I was pacing back and forth, and the other took the lead to take me over to me him.

Well how did my encounter go:

-When God blesses, He blesses BIG! Meeting Jason was an AWESOME and SWEET experience, and God knew it would be, and that’s why He orchestrated it! Jason, my cousin, and I chatted for about 6 or 7 minutes and took pictures. Jason was such a SWEETHEART. He was humble, personable, and a class act (The writer in me has to put this in categories, lol):

Humble: When my cousin asked him could we take a picture with him, he gladly agreed. One thing that stood out to me the most was that when he and my cousin came over to where I was, I started telling him I was a big fan of his and started naming off his resume’ (lol), he then asked me my name, and formally introduced himself (extended his hand for me to shake), and told me it was nice to meet me. I thought that was so modest of him to introduce himself because he knew of course that I knew who he was, but wanted to know my name as well.

Personable: I told him that a while back, I made him my MCM on social media, and he asked me did he respond to it, and in fact he did responded to it. By the way that he asked me did he respond, I could tell that if I said that he hadn’t responded, that he was going to apologize. Of course he didn’t owe me a response on the post, but the fact that he wanted to make sure that he did, shows his character (as a matter of fact, Jason consistently interacts with his fans/followers, and always states how appreciative he is of their support).

Class Act: When I mentioned the MCM post, He also suggested that when I got ready to post the pictures that we took that night, to tag him and he would follow me. Not only did he keep his word, he went beyond His word. Not only did he follow me back, but he also liked the picture, and commented on it.

-People’s faith can be built up off of seeing our blessings. When I posted the pictures on social media and posted my original written piece on my social media page, some of my friends expressed how inspired they were by me meeting him. Some stated that it showed that God gives us the desires of our hearts and others stated how our words are powerful. My experience was bigger than me, it displays the sweet love that God has for all of us.

So the biggest lesson that I learned from 2017 was to make a habit of confessing/speaking life over what it is that I desire. God will either bring it to pass, bring me something better, or show me a better outlook on the situation.

It’s now 2019 and God is still oh so sweet. He’s a Sweet God, a Smart God, and so much more!!!

Let It Go

You are who God says you are! Walk into what He has for you! It’s worth it! Let “IT” Go! 

I Can’t Get The Door Open: Part 3

  
So in this blog we are going to talk about a door that’s ajar, or to shorten it up we’ll just say “Ajar Door”.

My definition of an Ajar door in this blog is to be compared to an actual door that is ajar. The word ajar means slightly opened. In life we may have had ajar doors that didn’t go any further to become an open door. For an example, in Part 1, B received follow up emails from the jobs that they were applying for, but it never led to an interview or we may have been interested in someone but it never  went past a few dates, or in my case inquiring about a job right out of college where I thought the Manager was on board with hiring me. 

My Ajar Door story:

After I graduated college, I was in close contact with a Manager of an organization that I was interested in working for. I was a go-getter and was wanting to see if the Manager would be able to create an assistant position for me at one of the facilities. The Manager and I discussed all of the details of my goals before I went in for my interview. Before my interview, I worked on my resume, cover letter, requested my transcript from college, and even put together a plan of action in how I would serve the population that I would potentially work with. So the day of my interview, the Manager and I went over everything that I had prepared, but the interesting thing though is after the Manager and I reviewed everything, the Manager busted out and said that they didn’t have enough money in budget to pay me…….my thoughts were “uhm, did you not know this when I initially told you what my goals were over the phone“?!?! Well clearly the Manager had to know there was not enough money in their budget to pay me from the get-go! This was an ajar door for me.

Well what can we learn from ajar doors?

Well first I want us to change our perspective on how to handle an ajar door that stayed ajar. Throughout life when we experience an ajar door we may have allowed it to discourage us. It may have hurt our self-esteem a little, or made us believe that we will never achieve our particular goal(s). Well instead of letting the ajar door be of discouragement, we should actually let it encourage us. It should encourage us because whatever was behind that ajar door that we thought was awesome, fabulous, and IT, was not meant to be an open door for us. So be of encouragement that if the ajar door was so awesome, fabulous, and IT, than imagine how much greater that your open door will be!!!! 

My Open Door:

God had a better plan than my ajar door. I didn’t get the career with that organization, but I didn’t let that stop me. I kept searching for job opportunities. The next year I saw that there was two job opportunities similar to the job that I had previously interviewed (Open door). I applied for both of the job opportunities online and within 30 mins one of the jobs called me back (30 mins is a heck of an open door!). So I went into the interview using the same resume, cover letter, transcript, and plan of action (already ready!) that I used when I was denied the first job, but this time I got the job! With being hired on the job that I was hired for, I was making almost twice as much that I requested then if I would have gotten the first job that I applied to and was turned down for. Also with the job that I was hired for, we were connected with an organization that has blessed me with the ability to travel to different places that I’ve never been before, see things that I’ve never seen, and meet people that I’ve never thought I’d meet, all of this for free, which I would not have been able to do these thing if I would have been hired at the first job I applied to because they did not have these same connections.

So no longer look back at your ajar door in discontentment, but be content in the fact that your open door came or that it’s coming. 

Trust God for open doors, if you are exposed to any ajar doors along the way, let it encourage you, and if it’s meant to be it won’t open slightly, but all the way. 

If you have any questions or comments, you can respond below or email me at misscriss30@yahoo.com

I Can’t Get This Door Open Part 2

  

So in “I Can’t Get The Door Open Part 1” We went over a few meanings of God’s Will, which were: 

-God’s will for us is always something that is the most beneficial for us/will have our best interest at heart. 

-His will is better than what we knew to even ask for. God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all we could ask or think (Ephesians 3:20), so of course it’s going to be something along the lines of what we love/interested in. 

-When God’s will is revealed, it can help us to develop our trust in Him and see how faithful God is. 

-God’s will helps us to get to where God knows we will be in the future, and not where we currently are.

-God’s will is not the fact of Him trying to control our lives or destiny, remember God is our Father, and just like our earthly parents, they are going to look out for our best interest whether we want them to or not, and of course the final decision is up to us whether we choose to go with His will or not.

We also saw in Part 1 how certain doors opened for B, and how certain doors didn’t open/were closed. 

For awhile I struggled with knowing “God is this you, is it not you, is it me? God I can’t hear you!” So here is the story on when God showed me how to know: 

Towards the end of 2014 there was something that I was interested in pursuing but I ended up forgetting about. So at the beginning of 2015 up until now, I started speaking, claiming, and trusting God for newness in different areas of my life, not sure what God was going to do specifically, but I was solely convinced that newness would occur.  So one day, a little over a month ago, the desire that I was interested in pursuing at the end of 2014 came back to my remembrance, and it crossed my mind again on the next day. Well on this 2nd day that it crossed my mind, someone came up to me and said the same exact thing to me in regards to what I was wanting to pursue! That had to be nothing but God! That was my confirmation!  They would have never known that I was thinking about pursuing this thing! So I looked up information so that I could start pursuing it, I had to wait a few weeks until I could make the initial step to start, but when I was finally able to make the initial step, another great confirmation coincided with the next step that I will take! So while this was going on God spoke to me out the blue and told me how to know if my specific desire is His will/timing ….basically I would know if it was His will and timing if and when doors opened! 

 Let’s imagine a door in our house that is closed (if you actually want to go to a door in your home it’s fine, lol). The door will  represents the pathway to our goals/desired. Let’s say if you turn the door knob and the door opens with ease, you’re able to walk through it, the door pushes you towards your goal, and the door ultimately leads you to your goal……that’s one way that you know that your specific desire is in God’s will and timing. Sometimes there may be more than 1 door that you have to walk through but each door will push you closer to your goal, and the end result will be your desire. Remember God’s open doors coincide with who God is and it doesn’t go against His word or character. 

On the other hand, let’s say if you are trying to open the door, but the door is locked, and you’re doing everything that you can to open it, you tried opening it with a key, a bobby pin, screwdriver, knife, tried shaking the door, tried kicking it in, but it still wont open, what you are after may not be in God’s will or His timing. God either has something better in mind than what we are after or we will have to wait and go through a preparation stage (other doors before we get to our desire) so that we will be able to sustain and not fail when the door does open. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 says Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not to your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. 

We can trust God to open the correct doors in our life, so that we won’t get burnt out trying to open a door that’s not meant to be open. Our faith does not have to be perfect, just when doubt starts to rise up, speak against those doubts, don’t entertain them, and don’t give in to them. 

In Part 1, we see that the doors that were the most favorable/rewarding/gainful for B, was the doors that opened and the doors that were not the most favorable/rewarding/gainful did not open. We can see in B’s career how 1 open door led to another, as well as how the open doors led to an additional blessing, which was B’s house. Even when the hiring manager told B that they found someone for the position, the hiring manager turned around and gave the position to B!!!!!!! 

So there will be a Part 3 😊. Part 3 will focus more on Ajar Doors, Closed Doors, and Trap Doors. 

Questions, Comments, or Concerns, you can list them below or email me at misscriss30@yahoo.com 

I Can’t Get This Door Open Part 1

In life, there are general things that we want and within those general things, there are more specific things that we desire. For instance, generally speaking we may want to get married, but within wanting to get married, we may desire a specific person or specific characteristics, or we may desire to go to school, but more specifically we may desire to go to 4 yr school, or trade school, etc. For a while, I struggled with both knowing when something was meant for me to obtain or pursue, as well as knowing if it was the timing of me to have it. I struggled with thoughts of “Am I moving ahead of God, or “Is this from God”, I’m not perfect, but I don’t want to have, posses, or keep anything that is not from God. Recently God has shown me when to know that a specific desire (this blog is dealing more so with specifics, not general) that I have is something that is within His will for me. 

Before I go on, let’s talk about a few definitions of God’s Will: 

-God’s will for us is always something that is the most beneficial for us/will have our best interest at heart. 

-His will is better than what we knew to even ask for. God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all we could ask or think (Ephesians 3:20), so of course it’s going to be something along the lines of what we love/interested in. 

-When God’s will is revealed, it can help us to develop our trust in Him and see how faithful God is. 

-His will helps us to where He knows we will be in the future, and not where we currently are.

-God’s will is not the fact of Him trying to control our lives or destiny, remember God is our Father, and just like our earthly parent they are going to look out for our best interest whether we want them to or not, and of course the final decision is up to us whether we choose to go with His will or not, He’s not going to force us.

So again, recently God has shown me when to know that a specific desire that I have is something that is within His will. I will give a real life example at first. 

True Story:

I know of someone, (we’ll call this person “B”), who was looking for growth at their current place of employment. There was a position that opened at B’s place of employment that B was more than qualified for, B but was not granted the opportunity to step up into the position. Because of this B started looking outside of their place of employment for advanced career opportunities. B’s general desire was to find another job, but B’s specific desire was to work for a specific company that was located in a specific city (So the story will flow, we’ll call the city Cityville). Even though B had their heart set on that one particular company in Cityville, B was willing to take another opportunity in Cityville if it was reasonable because they liked Cityville. So B put in job application after application in Cityville and even received emails from companies saying they would contact B, but still no open door. During the time that B was applying for jobs, B began to seek God to spend more time with Him (not necessarily for job purposes, but to build a relationship). In the midst of this, God spoke to B and told B to pack up their belongings (pack up as in B was going to be moving), so with that being said B was believing that God would move them to Cityville. B trusted that God would open up a career door for them, and after a while B stopped putting in job applications. In the meantime they continued giving 100% at their place of employment (because even though where you are now may not be where you want to be, still give it 100%).

One day one of B’s coworkers came up to them and told them about a new open position at their job that they thought would be a great opportunity for B. B went to the hiring manager to inquire about the position, but the hiring manager told B that they were already interested in someone else, but they would keep B posted for future opportunities. B believed that “what God has for me is for me” and two days later the hiring manager called B and asked B if they were still interested in the position, B said yes, and the hiring manager offered B the position right over the phone (B didn’t even have to interview)!!! B initially took the position because there were no doors opening in Cityville, but B realized that the way everything flowed together B knew that the new position was from God! 

So even though B knew that this new position was of God, what was God meaning when He told B to pack? Was God meaning that they would make a career advance now at their current place of employment and move them Cityville later?……………

Well when B received this new position, B no longer desired to look into the other company that was in Cityville, (and put the thought of moving to Cityville itself on the back burner because B didn’t want to leave their job after a few months for experience purposes if something in Cityville opened up). When B compared their new position to the other job that they originally wanted in Cityville, the content of the new position coincided with B’s favorite area of study in college, the job in Cityville did not (B was more so impressed with the job in Cityville’s salary, but it’s always a plus when you are working a job/position that you are interested in). Other perks that the new position had within itself, is that it was a career growth opportunity, and would be a salary advance from the position that B was leaving, and with that B’s new position’s salary was more than what B was originally told that their salary would be when they first accepted the new position! So, yes B put the idea of moving to Cityville on the back burner, but B also had a desire to move out of their place of residence at that time and desired to buy a home.

So B inquired at a realtor company about buying a home. The realtor company showed B a home and B was very interested, but B did not think they would qualify for the home. B however went to talk to a mortgage lender, and B qualified for the home! So now it clicked as to why God was telling B to pack!!! So within a few months not only did B have a new position, B also bought a home!!!

So what has God been speaking to me about knowing if something that I desire is in His will for me or not……..well find out in Part 2 of: I Can’t Get This Door Open 😊

Any questions or comments please post below or email me at misscriss30@yahoo.com

 

Girl Please, Let Him Use You

Women sometimes can be under the impression that God can’t use them because of their past or their current situation or circumstance, but no matter what you did in your past, no matter what you didn’t do in your past, no matter how bad or ugly your past is, God wants to use you for His glory!!! You are so special to God. We are not defined by what we did in our past, and we definitely aren’t defined by those who are trying to hold our past over our head, but we are defined by who God says we are. Which are all great things!!!! There are quite a few women in the Bible that I know that people probably gossiped about, put down, and tried to hold their past against them, but God ended up using them. Since God has a heart for the hurting, when people criticize us, we are in perfect position for God to use us, and to bless us because of the offense that was done/said to us. So let’s look at some women in the Bible that were probably talked about/put down, but inspite of God used them.

Leah-Her story is found in Genesis 29-30. Leah’s marriage to her husband was a scheme and her husband didn’t love her nor found her attractive (Even though the Bible says we are beautiful beyond words Song of Songs 4:1). So imagine all of the things that people were saying about her and the rejection that she may have felt from her husband.However……she was the Mother of Judah, which makes her a Great, Great, etc Grandmother of Jesus. You would think that her sister Rachel would be the Great, Great, etc Grandmother because she was favored by their husband, but the one sometimes that are the least favorite of men, is the most favored by God.

Rahab- Her story is found in Joshua 2. Rahab was a prostitute that lived in Jericho. Rahab was not an Israelite, but when the Israelite spies came to scout out the Promise Land to see how they would invade/take over( including Jericho). Rahab let them in to her home. Now on the outside of Rahab’s house looking in, probably thought she was “entertaining these men”, but if so they should have looked again, she was actually protecting these men of God, in which she did not have to do because again they were coming to invade her people and land……Rahab, the prostitute, is one of only two women who are listed in the “Hall Of Faith” in Hebrews 11, and I didn’t realize until I started doing my research on tonight that she is the mother of the guy that everyone woman says they desire……Boaz!!!! , Which makes her a Great, Great, etc Grandmother of Jesus.

Bathsheba- Her story is mentioned in 2 Samuel 11-12 and she is mentioned again in 1 Kings 1-2. Bathsheba 1st of all was pursued by King David and she was summons to King David’s bedroom chambers (When someone was summons by the king, they could not refuse). She was apart of the scandal where she committed adultery with King David, got pregnant, assisted in trying to cover it up, and stood by while her husband was killed. Can you imagine the whispers and stares of the people that found out?……Yet and still out of all the sons that King David had, Bathsheba the Adulteress son that she had with King David, Solomon was chosen to sit on the throne after King David, which also makes her a Great, Great, etc Grandmother of Jesus.

I don’t know how to quite end this, but If God used these women, what makes us think that He can’t use us. People have the tendency to judge harshly and will hurt your feelings DEEPLY, and will judge your story but we have to keep pushing. What the enemy means for bad, God will turn it around for our good. He wants to use you for His purpose, Let Him.

If you all have any other women in the Bible that you want to add or life experiences/stories please feel free to share.

So Whatcha Thinking About? Part 2

In “So Whatcha Thinking About? Part 1”, I discussed the importance of being in the Word and allowing God to renew our mind. When we renew our mind we align it up with the plans and purposes that God has for us. It is important to know who we are in God and allow His word to build up our confidence, if not, the only thing that we will believe that we are able to achieve will be based on the lies of the enemy, and what he tells us is that we are full of inadequacies, when the truth is that God has equipped us. When we feel inadequate, we do not have the confidence to venture out into the great things and the mighty work that God has called for us to do, because we do not believe that we are capable. What is the enemy saying to us? What is God trying to say us? What are we thinking about? What are we meditating on? What are we allowing to seep into our mind and our heart? We can’t become what God says we are, if we are focusing on who the enemy says we are. Proverbs 23:7 says As a man thinks in his heart, so is he (he becomes). The devil plants thoughts in our mind, to get in our head, and in our heart, so that we can fulfill those lies and not the will of God for our lives. The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy us, constantly trying to get us not to fulfill our God-Given purpose. I was watching a video clip on Youtube recently by Jennifer LeClaire (she is awesome!!!) called “Discerning demonic Strategies Against Your Life”. One thing that stood out to me that she stated was that when the enemy drops thoughts in our mind, he always whispers to us in “1st person” so that when we hear his thoughts, we think that they are ours. The enemy says ” I am ugly”, so we say to ourself “I am ugly”, or “I’m not strong enough to do this”, “I’m not smart enough”, “I’m not equipped enough”, “I’m messing up”, “I’ll never get over this”, “I’m not going to be able to write this blog right” (LOL) anytime any thoughts come to our mind that brings on discouragement, fear, depression, low self-esteem……basically a confidence breaker, know that it was the enemy that planted those thoughts there, and that we have to cast them down when they come to our mind and replace them with who God says we are until we start to believe those things. For me recently, as I mentioned in Part 1 it was my self-esteem. I did not know that’s what I needed to work on in this season, but it felt good for God to show me that “Hey, this is what I want you to work on right now”.  God had been dealing with my self-esteem a few months ago, but I allowed my thoughts to regress (the enemy will try to sneak back in there), and I guess God was telling me, “ugh let’s try this one more time”. So I’ve been taking it verse by verse from the Chapter that my sister from church gave me:

•  I go over the Chapter starting with Verse one, that talks about how I (you have to make it personal) am _________ (you can fill in your own blank. So when I read it I say, “I am ________
• I may also go into praise and worship and thank God that He says that I am ____________ and take God (trust God) at His word that He says that I am___________.
• Throughout the day if I feel thoughts coming in my head that tries to tell me that I’m not__________, I rebuke those thoughts and say no I am________________ and believe that I am in Faith.
• Sometimes I may just go over in my head and tell myself that I am___________ because I believed the lie that I wasn’t ________ for so long, it feels good to believe something positive about myself.
• I’ve been trying to do 1, 2, and/or 3 daily. I’m not saying that this is a formula or method and it does not feel repetitious to me, but this is what has worked for me. Find what works for you, but through these things, I’m incorporating what God requires for us to do anyway: Read, speak, and meditate on the Word, worship Him, resist the devil, believe by faith, and spend time in praise and worship.

Because of meditating on this, I now know that I am ___________, but I still try like to read over that particular verse before I read the other verses in the chapter because it’s one of countless evidences of God’s love for me, plus again I like feeling like this. I thank God for His revelation about me!!! Stick with this thing until you believe it, if the enemy tries to get you to doubt again, go back to believing that you are who God says you are! God will deliver! Put your trust in Him, He will not disappoint you! The enemy wants you to think that you will always feel the negative things that you do, the hurt that’s there wants you to think that it will never go away, anytime the enemy tries to tell you those things, began to thank God and believe God that your victory is coming, no matter how long it takes (may not be overnight, but then it could be, either way, it’s coming!). The enemy wants us to stop believing, to make it harder for the receiving! Stay encouraged!!!!

2 Corinthians 10:3-5; Romans 12:2; James 4:7; Romans 10:11

Picture Credit: Textgram

So Whatcha Thinking About? Part 1

In my Bible Study class we are doing a book challenge for the month April, my book of choice was “Battlefield Of The Mind” by Joyce Meyer. I chose this book because the enemy has been trying to come against my mind and I know that God will meet me in this book. God is so awesome, He met me before I started reading the book. About two weeks ago, He gave me a specific scripture (Chapter and Verse) to meditate on, but I didn’t realize that it was God until I went to Prayer the next night and one of my sisters at church gave me the the exact same Chapter that I got the night before (she did not know what God gave me the night before)!!!! God did not give her a particular verse, but the whole Chapter which let me that instead of zeroing in on the particular verse that I was mediating on, to meditate instead on the whole Chapter. God told her that through the Chapter He wanted me to change the way that I saw myself, and when I begin to read it, I knew that He meant my self-esteem. So over the past few weeks I began to meditate on the Chapter, verse by verse and God began to show me some things. So on tonight as I began to reread the Introduction of “Battlefield Of The Mind” I looked up Romans 12:2 which is a scripture given in the intro. I’ve read Romans 12:2 many times and can quote it (mainly), but on tonight God gave me a-whole-nother revelation of the scripture that I never truly grasped before. The scripture might be elementary to you, but there is nothing like when God illuminates a scripture, it’s like something lights up inside of you. I can feel the Holy Spirit bringing everything that I’ve read together in the Chapter that she gave me with Romans 12:2, it’s like He’s saying to me “This is what I wanted you to see, this is why reading the Word is important, why renewing your mind is important. My word confirms, validates, backs itself up with itself, this specific revelation for you shows you my goodness, it shows how much I love you, this is why I want you in my Word, because it makes you into a better person, it does something to your heart, it soothes it, it let’s you know everything will be ok, it gives you confidence”. Romans 12:2b-“Let God change you into a new person by changing the way that you think . Then you will know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect”. Let’s look at the first part of that verse: “Let God change you into a new person by changing the way you think”. That is exactly what He spoke to my sister at church. Is that He wanted to change the way I saw myself. Why? Because if not the only way I would view myself is through the lies of the enemy. So since I chose (it’s a choice, the enemy will try to steal your positive seeing, see Part 2 coming soon) to believe the things that God was saying about me through the scripture that my sister gave me in prayer, my self esteem is now on a higher level, I think more highly about myself (not conceited, but confident in who God says I am) I’m no longer limiting my self-worth to what the enemy is saying. Why else did God want me to change the way I thought about myself? Let’s look at the 2nd part of the verse: “Then you will know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect”. If I see myself through the lies of the enemy, then it’s hard to see God’s good, pleasing, and perfect will for me. So a few days ago, the situation involving the low self-esteem that I was dealing with began to rise up again, but I believe God was wanting to bring it up because He was wanting to deal with another area of why my self-esteem was low. As He began to show me another area, I gave it over to Him and began to read my verse in the chapter my sister gave me and He immediately showed me my “from ashes to beauty”, moment and how He plans on using “what the enemy meant for bad” through my low self-esteem for His will for my life, which is pleasing and perfect, but I never would have known or experienced any of this (self esteem booster, one of God’s will for me) if I wasn’t meditating on the Word, spending time with Him, or allowing Him to allow my mind to line up with His Word. I know that this is cutting off in the middle, but stay tune to Part 2 coming soon. In the meantime I want you to think about what you are thinking about, if it’s not lining up with what God rebuke it, and begin to think about what God says about the matter. Allow God’s Word to renew your mind.